2010 VGAs: why they invented DVR

I got conned into watching the VGAs, again, but at least I didn't have to watch them live.  No, I waited until after they were over, and then fast-forwarded my way through announcement after announcement after unnecessary band performance after announcement, until I realized that there weren't any awards given out.

I don't know why I keep allowing myself to believe that this year, it'll be different.  For shits and giggles, I went back and read my 2008 recap, and I might as well just cut-and-paste my main point into this year's model.  Like so:

I really wish I didn't have to be embarrassed about watching this show. It's clear that Spike is really trying to make this award mean something, and I'll admit that having all these major announcements during the show is a pretty convincing incentive for me to stick it out. But the writing is terrible and the emphasis is everywhere but on the actual game designers, which is unfortunate.

That's the thing that's so annoying about it; Mr. Geoff Keighley goes out of his way to promote the VGAs as something important and valid and authentic, and instead it's a series of commercials for next year's games, sandwiched around lame skits and pseudo-celebrities who've clearly never played a game in their lives, and I think they only give out 3 or 4 awards on TV, out of 20 or so categories.  It's dishonest and misleading, at best. 

Which is not to say that the announcements aren't awfully exciting.  2011 is already looking like the best year we've had in a long time, and that was before the announcements of Uncharted 3, Mass Effect 3, Forza 4 (!!!), SSX, and Elder Scrolls V.  My 2011 Lust List will require at least a bib upon reading.  I admit it:  the announcements were enticement enough for me to tune in.  I am a whore.  This is not news.

Look, Spike, I know I'm not the target demo for this show.  I'm not 15 years old, I'm not a My Chemical Romance fan, I don't like Dane Cook nor would I ever think of Dane Cook if I were thinking about or playing a videogame.  But humor me just once.  Please.

1. Let us know who's on the voting panel.  If you want us to think of these awards as meaningful and authentic - and we'll get to what the plural form of the word "award" should mean in a bit - you can at least let us know who's choosing.  Considering that every inch of this show looks bought and paid for by PR and advertising, it would help give some credence of authenticity.  I would wager that most of the audience for this show is not the stereotypical Madden buyer - we are aware of the game journalism industry; we read magazines and the internet.  If you have game journos on your panel, let us know.  Maybe we'll go to their websites!  Maybe we can have some synergy!
2. Stop giving stage time to Television Personalities.  I don't give a flying fuck about Denise Richards or whoever the fuck that was on stage, and all the people you put up there look uncomfortable and out of their element.  Here's an idea - let the game designers present the awards.  Let us, the game-buying public, put faces to names.  
3. SHOW SOME FUCKING AWARDS ALREADY.  There were 20+ categories and we saw, like 5.  And nobody gives a fuck about Best Performances by a Human Female.  We all know you're going to be like Monty Python's Summarize Proust competition and give it to the girl with the biggest tits anyway.  
4. Stop with the skits, the bands, the montages.  I get that the product placement and the trailers need to be in there; somebody's got to pay for this madness, and we all like the trailers.  But anything that's not actually related to the literal handing out of awards grinds the show to a halt.  I've been saying this for years, and nobody listens.  So at least hire a decent fucking writing staff already.

I could go on, but I can't waste any more of my life thinking about this nonsense.  Get it right or stop doing it.